(U.S. News & World Report) Getting over a broken heart is never easy, especially in the social networking age, when photos of you and your ex in happier times remain plastered on your friends' Facebook pages. Worse, recent research suggests that romantic rejection can cause physical pain in a way that no other negative emotion—not even anger or fear—can.
But it's actually good to go through the insane despair and bouts of endless tears that result from being dumped, contends bestselling author and relationship expert Susan Piver. We should embrace these feelings rather than run from them, she argues in her book, The Wisdom of a Broken Heart. "As unlikely as it may sound, this sorrow is the gateway to lasting happiness," she writes, speaking of her own two-year experience recovering from heartbreak. Piver and other experts described ways to ride through those uninvited waves of grief.
1. Make friends with your heartbreak… "It takes a lot of courage to be sad," says Piver, "but a fantastic life is not one that is placidly happy." With grieving comes increased awareness: of what's truly important to you; whom you love; who loves you…
2. Deal appropriately with negative thoughts. Meditation is a great way to quiet the mind and help deal with the tendency to beat yourself up for things going wrong, says Piver, a practicing Buddhist. Another approach when negative thoughts are running endlessly through your mind is to get up and do something else…
3. Turn up the radio. Science suggests that music has a therapeutic effect. (No, not that breakup album with the sad, lovesick songs.) Blare some of your favorite, feel-good tunes…
4. Know the difference between grief and depression… How to tell the difference? In depression, nothing seems to matter, Piver writes, whereas with sadness, everything does. A telltale sign that depression is setting in is that you ruminate nonstop about the breakup, and " you cannot stop your mind from tormenting you with very painful thoughts," Piver says.
5. Feel some kindness toward your ex… Although that seems counterintuitive and next to impossible, the process of extending your heart to someone whom you have no intention of loving ever again, she says, can actually bring feelings of stability and peace to your inner mind. You don't need to forgive or forget your ex's past transgressions or stay in touch… Your focus should be on letting go of anger…
6. Write the story of your relationship. Do it from the third-person point of view in three different writing sessions. First, tell about how this woman met this man and how they fell in love. Then write about the love story and how it started going south. Finally, tell the story of the breakup… You might also gain some valuable revelations: what you miss about the relationship and what you don't.
7. Steer clear of the self-help section… "Don't try to come up with reasons on why it happened and how to prevent it from happening again. Allow yourself to feel heartbreak—that's what actually gets us over it."
8. Give love. Perhaps at no other time than post-breakup do we want love so much, Piver says. But instead of desperately searching, give love, to anyone, in any situation. "There's always a chance of loving," Piver says. "That is how you balance the sorrow and rage from the heartbreak you're dealing with—by giving love to whatever situation or person you are interacting with. That is the secret."
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